REALIZATION

When I was younger, I always thought that failure does not define a person's future. And of course, I still think the same. It's the truth. However, getting over your failure, moving on and striving to achieve your best, that's the hard part. I always try to pick the pieces of my life back, convince myself that I'll try much MUCH harder the next time but more often than not, it never works out the way I want it to. Why? Because I never do try hard enough. And there's no one to blame but myself.

Because we're all different. 

Some people are born smart (and I'm not just saying it cause I'm in a spiteful mood). Some people have the discipline and perseverance to get what they want. And some people JUST KNOW what they want in life. I know it's unfair to myself for writing up this post. To give up before a fight. But how do people know how much fight is left in them before they stop? I'm sure I'm not the only teenager (I like to tell myself that I still am one) out there who feels this way. But why does this feeling weigh so heavily in my chest, it's making it hard for me to even breathe? Do all successful people know what they want in life? Is that why they're successful? 

Maybe it's because I'm Asian. All Asian parents ever want out of their children are A's. Then they want a doctor. Or a lawyer or an engineer or an architect. Or maybe a rocket scientist. But being successful isn't really defined by how intelligent a person is. At least that's what I want to believe. And life.......let's not go there. No one understands life.  

I just wish I knew what I wanted. And for once, I'd like to fight for what feels right. To do something that I'd want to continue doing for many many years to come. Is it just me? Feeling trapped at a crossroad with a gun pointed at my head? 

I just wish I knew. 

Choosing one option would mean that I'm ready to go into a battlefield unprepared. Everyone is holding a machine gun and all I could manage was a bow and an arrow.

Choosing the other option would kinda be a bloody battle too. I know what I have to do yet there are hundreds, no, thousands of soldiers ahead of me. 

But whichever I choose, by the end of the day, I would still accomplish my mission, right? Whatever mission that may be. It's just...this moment, right now, a 19 year old's mind feels messed up. No amount of advice is enough to clear my head and when I THINK it is, it just clouds up again. 

I don't even know why I'm blogging right now. It didn't really make me feel less heavy. But I know that this too, shall pass. It always does. 

I'm sorry if I wasted your time. I just needed to rant. Okay, I'm glad I took your time. Because this is how I feel right now...

P.S.- I'm embracing my vulnerability, unj. It feels good.


*Puuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutttttssss!* :)